I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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