she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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