Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
