love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
