Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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