Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
