If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
