Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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