Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
