you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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