Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
It was confusing and full of hummus
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It's just like the Real World with babies
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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