my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
