Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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