Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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