Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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