Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
