if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
