Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
