My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
