I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
worst night to have a conscience
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize