Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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