i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i will never coherently bang her
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
