She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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