i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
