yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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