in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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