i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
