I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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