Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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