Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
This is my gift to your gina
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize