I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
