Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Drunk is not a location!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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