Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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