We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize