found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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