2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize