we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
