I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize