pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
