I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize