At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
