My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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