also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
