Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
