I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
