just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
