just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize