my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
