It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
