i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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