so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
