i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
