So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
