She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
