Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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