You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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