Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
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