i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
